Death's Dream Kingdom

My dreams have been so unsettling lately that they plague me for days afterward, even when I've only wisps of memories of them, touches and voices and desert sunsets. Last night I dreamed that my mom and I were at another college (University of New Mexico for some reason) and I was moving in to the dorms and was excited because it was where Amanda and Nicole were going too. But then I just broke down, sobbing, saying that I missed Boston and wanted to go back to Emerson. My mom kept trying to convince me to stay, it seemed she wanted me closer to Colorado. A few nights before that I dreamed my best friend died and it was my fault (somehow, I don't quite remember the details.) When I woke up I was flooded with shock and relief to find it wasn't true...It had seemed so real. I dreamed about making out with a girl, it was sensual and flustering, thinking about it makes me blush. But I want my hours of sleep to be a sanctuary again, not the harsh, surreal world it is now. I keep thinking about theories of the collective unconscious, how sometimes masses share similar dreams, how people who know each other have the same dream, it just makes me wonder....On a completely different subject, I'm afraid of failing here. Not classes, but failing to "get into" extracurricular activities that used to be my life. I applied to be part of this magazine called GAUGE and haven't heard anything back yet, which makes me worried because I know others who applied who've gotten word about their new positions. It was something that really interested me and I put a lot of time and energy into my app. I just need more things to occupy my time so I'm not being pathetically nostalgic all the damn time. I need a job and all roads that I've pursued so far have twisted away for whatever reason. It'll would just be a weight off my mind...Tonight I've been missing my mom. Her voice, so bold, that falls on my ears as a cloud of calm. I miss her face, so wise, and its smiles that split like the horizon. I even miss the yelling, the nagging, the worries, the reminders. The sound of her car in the driveway, that triple click of the parking break. I miss the aura of home, with the constant talking of NPR, the clicking of my dog's nails on the kitchen tiles, the way golden afternoon light dapples into the living room, enticing me to nap. The hum of the kitchen light, the fridge that's always full. I'd eat all the healthy food my mom would order me to, if only I could be there right now, if even just for an hour. I wouldn't yell at my brother for playing his guitar so loud, I'd just sit and listen and enjoy...Though it doesn't seem like it from this, I'm actually getting more comfortable here, settling slowly but surely into my schedule, becoming less intimidated by the ebb and flow of college life. Every so often though, I just miss my mom. "But the phone is always dead to me so I can't tell you that the temperature is dropping and it feels like it's colder than it ought to be in March. And I've still got a day or two ahead of me till I'll be headed home into your arms again. And the people here are asking after you, it doesn't make it easier to be away."-Dashboard Confessional GOOD NEWS: Alex is going to be here in two days!!! It'll be so great to see his shinning face...